What is Retroactive Jealousy?

Dr. Larry Cohen Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

Experiencing jealousy can be crippling. Feeling insecure, anxious, and possessive, we are overcome by feelings that can seem dreadfully unique. We fear that the person we love will leave us. Real or imagined, jealousy is often unexpected and intense and at the top of the emotional scale of mild, moderate, and severe.

Why We Experience Jealousy

Jealousy can be rooted in past experiences of abandonment or betrayal, leading us to question, over and over, how trustworthy and “loyal” our partner is. Feelings of low self-worth and confidence can drive your jealousy, and you sometimes compare yourself to others. You may feel “less than” other people, especially the man or woman you are jealous of. You may fear being replaced. This can trigger negative core beliefs such as being “not enough” and unworthy.

Jealousy may lead you to monitor or control behaviors, such as checking your partner's phone, social media, and emails. You may try to control your partner by isolating them from friends or family or constantly questioning their actions and intentions. These behaviors are driven by anxiety. Each time you check their phone and find nothing, your anxiety lifts - but momentarily. I have worked with people who become obsessed with phone checking, email checking, and social media monitoring. However, these behaviors are damaging to you and your partner, as they fuel continual feelings of distrust.

Jealousy has the potential to seriously impact your mental and emotional well-being. Over time, it can lead to increased stress levels and depression. As you can’t control your partner's behaviors, the helplessness you feel feeds your low self-worth. I have seen jealousy trigger obsessive-compulsive disorders and paranoia.

Retroactive Jealousy

One type of jealousy is what is known as “retroactive jealousy.” This type of jealousy is characterized by obsessively dwelling on your partner's past romantic or sexual relationships. It leads to intrusive thoughts and a strong desire to know every detail about your partner's past relationships. This type of jealousy can lead to feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and even anger. When I have worked with clients with this type of jealousy, I have seen it lead to angry accusations and rage. When you rage at your partner, it pushes them farther away. In desperate need of closeness, these outbursts are counterproductive and self-fulfilling.

One of the first steps in addressing retroactive jealousy is to recognize that these thoughts and feelings are not rational. It is crucial to understand that everyone has a past and that it does not define who they are in the present. By acknowledging this fact, individuals can begin to challenge their negative thoughts and beliefs.

Another critical aspect of addressing retroactive jealousy is improving self-esteem and self-confidence. People who struggle with retroactive jealousy often have deep-rooted insecurities about themselves and their worthiness as a person and partner. Engaging in activities that promote self-care, practicing self-compassion, and setting realistic goals can help boost self-esteem and reduce feelings of jealousy.

How to Address Retroactive Jealousy Effectively

When dealing with retroactive jealousy, healthy communication is crucial. You and your partner must be open and honest about feelings and concerns. Engaging in non-judgmental and compassionate conversations can help build trust and create a safe space for discussing difficult emotions. You must set boundaries around discussing past relationships. Jealous feelings are bound to get triggered during such discussions.

Developing a sense of gratitude can also play a significant role in overcoming retroactive jealousy. By focusing on the positive aspects of your present relationship, you shift your perspective from the past to the present. Practicing gratitude and having an appreciation for your partner and the relationship can help reduce feelings of jealousy. What happened in your partner’s past, before they even knew you, is irrelevant. You can’t blame your partner for their relational behaviors before your relationship started - before they even knew you. This is irrational. It simply makes no sense.

It is important to note that these strategies may not work for everyone, and working with a therapist will help you cope more effectively. Often, underlying trust issues and unresolved trauma may be at the root of your struggle. Psychodynamic psychotherapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be an effective approach in managing retroactive jealousy.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy looks at early development and past traumas. Having insight and a greater understanding of your past can help you resolve emotions rooted in your past. CBT focuses on identifying and modifying distorted thought patterns and beliefs. In CBT, you learn to challenge your irrational thoughts, replace them with more realistic and positive ones, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. I recommend reading Let Go Of Resentments and the blog on Your Relationship to learn more.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy takes work, but it can be done. By adopting a positive mindset, looking at the past, challenging distorted thoughts, improving self-esteem, engaging in open communication, and cultivating gratitude, you and your partner can work toward overcoming retroactive jealousy and creating a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.