Identify Your Attachment Style in Marriage Counseling and Relationship Therapy

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees, NJ (856) 352-5428 ContacT NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

In marriage counseling, a client may ask me about attachment styles and their impact on their relationships. Teaching clients about attachment dynamics and how they play a role in their relationships is integral to marriage counseling.

In psychodynamic therapy, we explore your past history, including your childhood and the impact of what you learned from parents and caregivers about relationships. We discuss your parents' or caregivers' relationships, those you witnessed, to establish a better understanding of how you behave in your marriage or relationship. There is no “rule book” for how to behave in a relationship. Often, your “rule book” is what you learned from your parents and caregivers.

What I call “integration failure” sometimes occurs because what you learned about relationships differs from what your partner learned when they were young. Coming together and making a relationship or marriage successful depends on integrating what your partner learned with what you learned. You must create your own “relationship rules” that work for you.

Attachment theory partly explains how what you learned from your parents or caregivers impacts how you form and maintain your relationships as an adult. There are four primary attachment styles. They are 1) secure, 2) anxious-preoccupied, 3) dismissive-avoidant, and 4) fearful-avoidant. These attachment styles help explain your way of creating and maintaining intimate relationships.

A secure attachment style is based on an individual’s solid sense of self-worth and a belief that they can successfully have an intimate relationship. People with this style are secure and confident. They are comfortable with emotional and sexual intimacy and can communicate clearly what their relational needs are.

The anxious-preoccupied attachment style is formed early on when an individual is emotionally abandoned by their parents or caregivers. Into adulthood, an anxious-preoccupied person continues to fear abandonment by others.

This can lead to co-dependency, the need to be reassured that they are loved and that their partner won’t leave them. Because of this constant need for reassurance, trust issues arise, as the anxious-preoccupied person never resolves their fear of abandonment, even when their partner reassures them over and over.

People who seem distant and unable to connect with their partner have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. They don’t value intimate relationships and cannot rely on others. Often, the dismissive-avoidant person’s past trauma includes a betrayal by a trusted person. Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style struggle to share (or recognize) their feelings and can be uncommunicative.

This can confuse their partner, who is sometimes guessing what their partner needs and is feeling. Significant difficulty occurs when a dismissive-avoidant individual is in a relationship with someone who is anxious-preoccupied. The anxious-preoccupied partner continually pursues their dismissive-avoidant partner, constantly seeking the love and attention the dismissive-avoidant partner cannot or rarely provide.

The fourth attachment style is called fearful-avoidant. If you are fearful-avoidant, you crave intimacy while fearing getting hurt. Fearful-avoidant people create a push-pull in relationships. They draw their partners close and then push them away. Deep inside, they ache for connection but cannot trust that their partner won’t hurt them.

In marriage counseling, we help you identify and understand each other’s attachment styles and how your attachment styles may conflict and lead to a turbulent relationship or marriage. In therapy, you learn how to successfully integrate your attachment styles, leading to a greater understanding of your partner. You also learn to heal from relational traumas and fix your marriage or relationship.

In couples therapy, you learn to hear and understand each other. The success of your relationship depends on exploring and understanding your and your partner’s attachment style. This work helps you improve communication, begin trusting your partner, and create a safe and loving relationship.