Working on Your Marriage and Relationship

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach in Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy and Life Coaching

Marriage and committed relationships have their challenges - historically, good communication is valued above all else. However, research shows that the most important part of a happy and satisfying relationship is friendship. Are the two of you still friends?

Healthy friendships bring love and support. Good friends are those who support and love us when we need them. In turn, we are there to support and love them when they need us most. These are what are called your “inner circle” people. It often includes family members and friends. The inner circle is made up of trustworthy people.

When we tell them something, they don’t gossip about us behind our backs OR WHEN WE ARE OVERWHELMED BY LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES OR INTERNAL STRUGGLES. THEY SUPPORT US WHEN WE NEED THEM MOST. IN TURN, we, TOO, are TRUSTWORTHY, SUPPORTIVE, and loving.

Those who intentionally hurt us by the words they say to us or what they tell others about us aren’t friends. They may be fun or entertaining to be around, so we may not cut our connection to them altogether, but we must recognize that they are not in our inner circle of love and support.

Sometimes, we mistakenly tell them things that perhaps we shouldn’t have - demonstrated by what they say to us or what they tell other people about us. These are not inner circle friends.

SUPPOSE YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO OR IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH AN INNER CIRCLE FRIEND, AND you and your spouse are no longer close. IN this CASE, it is likely time to begin marriage counseling or relationship counseling to work on rekindling the friendship that was strong and essential earlier in your partnership. When evaluating your relationship for problems, examine these areas: anger, unmet expectations (mind reading), and communication and emotional support.

Anger - I just met a client who said she has made progress on accepting her husband overworking and not have much time or energy to devote to the marriage. She has communicated her needs to him on several occasions; he changes temporarily AND slowly starts spending less and less energy on her and their marriage. “But I’m doing well. I know that I either end the marriage or learn to accept that this is the way he is.” She said it while gritting her teeth. 

Unmet Expectations - Unhappiness lives in unmet expectations. Almost all relationships suffer with this problem. We have expectations, and we are unhappy when our partner fails to meet them. OK, is this your partner being mean or inconsiderate (maybe…) or, do you fall into “mind reading” - expecting your partner to inherently know what you want and expect from them.

Fixing this can be as simple as asking for what you want, instead of simply expecting that your parter should inherently know what you need. Yet some of us struggle to ask for what we need. You need to practice doing this. Don’t expect your needs to be met if your partner doesn’t know what they are. In counseling you can negotiate each other’s needs and plan on how to make changes in the relationship.

Communication and emotional support - Obvious right? Not so much. How often do we hold back, not letting our partner know what we are feeling (not just the bad, the good too)? In addition, what is called mind reading is a pitfall of relational communication. When examining your marriage or relationship, look for passive-aggressive behaviors such as little demeaning comments or anger that seems to come out sideways (small judgmental comments here and there).

If you recognize these problems, I recommend writing down your observations and sitting down to resolve the issues that seem to be pushing the negative behaviors or participating in marital counseling to address these problems. Being mean to each other doesn’t nurture your friendship and, in severe cases, can lead to contempt.

When contempt exists, your relational problems tend to be severe. And do you share your successes with your partner? Sometimes, there is a fear of being mocked or belittled when celebrating the positive side of yourself. Add this to the list of issues to be addressed. To Read more, visit Love and Commitment and Rekindling Emotional Intimacy in your Relationship.

Our daily commitment to our partner is one of the most important decisions we make. If you struggle with this commitment, take an inventory of why. Not addressing why you struggle will poison your relationship AND, UNFORTUNATELY, may lead to separation.