I Don’t know what to do

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees, NJ (856) 352-5428 ContacT NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

Today, I met with a client struggling with negative core belief systems. Negative core beliefs are the negative things we believe about ourselves deep inside. For example, this client and I examined the intensity of his belief that he will never be good enough.

Negative Core Beliefs

My Husband began telling me about his ex-wife for reasons that soon became clear. During their marriage, he suffered a debilitating bout of depression. He could not perform regular daily chores, such as cleaning the house and doing the laundry. His depression lasted for months, only lifting when he received professional help - starting psychotherapy and anti-depressant medication.

As we spoke, his mood shifted downward. He described how uncaring and unsupportive his ex-wife was when he was depressed. He said that she was demeaning toward him, making him feel like a failure at everything. She did not understand depression and how to care for him during this depressive episode. Today, he is a successful businessperson and a wonderful father. He is dating someone new and continues to work on self-improvement. But, he told me, “I still feel like a failure. The words of my ex-wife were so hurtful that they continue to come into my head. I struggle with self-judgment, and I never feel like I’m good enough. Yet, today, I believe I am a success.”

We discussed how to fight off these thoughts and how they relate to his sense of self and problem with self-judgment. I explained that the feelings we experience during past emotional trauma can echo and stay with us even when these feelings have no basis in current reality. “What would you have liked your past marriage to be like,” I asked, “when you were suffering from deep depression.” He was unsure.

Caring for a Depressed Spouse

Although sometimes difficult, caring for your spouse when they are depressed is an act of giving, which can ultimately be rewarding as emotional intimacy will grow between you. Understand that depression is a mental health issue that affects not only your spouse but also your immediate and extended family. I will explore practical strategies for supporting your depressed spouse. You will learn to recognize distress signs, foster open communication, encourage professional help, maintain self-care, and create a supportive home environment.

Recognizing the Signs of Distress

The first step in caring for a depressed spouse is recognizing the signs and symptoms of depression. What is depression? Signs of depression include experiencing sadness, changes in eating habits, sleeping too much or too little, a loss of interest in the activities they usually enjoy, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, and problems concentrating. When you recognize these symptoms, appropriately respond by providing care and support. It is crucial to approach your spouse empathetically, acknowledging their struggles without judgment while emphasizing that you are there for them and that they are not alone.

The Importance of Open Communication

Open communication forms the foundation of any supportive relationship. Encourage your spouse to express their feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Use active listening—don’t offer solutions or criticism. This will create a safe space for your spouse to share their thoughts and feelings. Ask open-ended questions and validate their emotions. This shows that you understand their struggles. It helps your spouse feel heard and strengthens your emotional bond.

Therapy and Medication

The emergency plan should be seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. A therapist helps people work through their emotional struggles, and a psychiatrist may prescribe anti-depressant medication to pull your spouse out of the depressive hole they have fallen into. It is also essential to stay social. Isolation feeds depression.

Support is invaluable, and professional help is often necessary for someone dealing with depression. If your spouse doesn’t want to see a therapist or a psychiatrist (some people believe they must overcome their problems themselves, without help), try to normalize seeking help. Seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist is not a sign of weakness but a proactive step toward recovery. Depression is biochemical. Therapy and psychiatric care focus on correcting this biological problem.

Be Patient and Understanding

Depression can lead to behaviors and moods that may be difficult for you to cope with. Your spouse may be irritable, withdrawn, or appear lazy. When this occurs, it is essential to be patient and understanding. I often see spouses trying to force their partner to snap out of it. They want their partner to be responsible, to get to work, and to act normal. Trying to force your spouse out of depression doesn’t work. Be patient and understanding. Recognize that your spouse's reactions are influenced by their mental state, and try not to take their behavior personally. Remind yourself that healing takes time and setbacks might occur.

Important Steps

Certain things can significantly impact your spouse’s recovery from depression. Encourage them to work out or take walks. Yoga can also help. Regular exercise has been shown to improve mood and increase overall well-being. Try doing things with them that you both enjoy. Walking together, preparing a meal, going for ice cream, or watching a favorite movie or TV show can help.

Be Mindful of Your Attitudes

Your attitude towards your spouse’s condition is key. Blaming them for having depression is the wrong move. Again, depression is biochemical and requires professional treatment. Be understanding, open, and accepting of their struggle. Do you know what depression is and the steps to address it? Be open and accepting.

Be careful not to blame your partner. openness and acceptance can encourage your spouse to share their thoughts and feelings. Being a witness to their pain has healing power. Even though you are both living through a difficult time, openness and acceptance will bring you closer and foster greater connection in your marriage.

Loving and supporting your spouse when they are experiencing depression can be challenging - but supporting them in a non-judgmental way can profoundly impact their healing process. Nurturing your relationship with love, patience, and understanding; you'll find ways to navigate this path together. If there’s anything specific you’d like help with or talk about further, please call our Voorhees NJ therapist office at (856) 352-5428.