By Therapist and Life Coach Dr. Larry Cohen, in Voorhees NJ, Cherry Hill, NJ, and Marlton, NJ (856) 352-5428 ContacT New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching

The Role of the Step-boyfriend

Much has been written about being a stepdad. But what about men who are “step-boyfriends?” Marriage is not so popular. But, a stepdad has more authority in raising step-children. It can go either way - she is strict, and he is not, or he is strict, and she is not. Who wins? Being a step-boyfriend can be tricky. How much say do they have in raising the kids? She says that he is too strict with her son. He says she babies him and lets him manipulate her. We live in a blended world.

Many men are great at stepping into this role, looking to impact their partners and their kids' lives positively. But, you need to understand the challenges of being a blended family. How can you build strong connections and create a healthy family vibe?

Family Dynamics

Even though every blended family is different, certain things can help you better understand your role. You will inevitably learn the relational dynamic between the mother and the kids. Is your girlfriend a “momma bear,” or is she more of a disciplinarian? Also, understanding the child’s history is essential. What is it that will be most helpful? Figuring this out is the key to success.

Do Your Partner’s Kids Trust and Respect You?

To be successful in your role, getting your partner’s kids to trust you is essential. It takes time and patience. Make sure you don’t act “standoffish.” Engaging the kids through play or communication is essential. They understand that you’re not their father unless the kids are young. Don’t make the mistake of trying to replace their father. Engage with them on their level and show interest in their lives. You may be asked to help with their homework or take them to after-school activities. Being caring and thoughtful is an integral part of your role. Every kid desires attention and feeling important. Involving yourself in what is important to them will create a more trusting relationship.

Make Sure to Check In With Their Mother!

Communication with your partner is key to being a successful step-boyfriend. Ensure you are on the same page and discuss your roles, expectations, and concerns (advanced communication for sure.) Sharing your thoughts and feelings helps you align on parenting styles. Being on the same page about discipline, schedules, and family time will help your relationship.

Respecting Your Partner’s Role

Be aware and understand your partner’s parenting style. Mom usually has primary authority, and your role may be only supportive at first. Over time, this usually changes. Make sure to do what you say you will and be helpful. Setting clear boundaries leads to greater harmony in the relationship. Discuss boundaries and responsibilities with your partner so you both understand how responsibilities are shared.

Be Flexible

Jealousy, loyalty issues, and confusion among the kids are common. As the step-boyfriend, you need to be flexible and not push what you think is the right way to parent onto your partner. Even if you disagree with your partner’s parenting style, ultimately, you must defer to what they think is right. This can be a challenge, and you may find yourself softly suggesting different ways of doing things. Setting a good example is extremely important. Don’t argue in front of the kids. To trust, the kids must feel that they live in a stable and safe environment. Be aware that your own needs and jealousy can be triggered. When dating someone with kids, you must understand that the kids always come first in your partner’s world. Keep your neediness in check.

Be Patient

Being patient is crucial. Creating relationships with kids takes time. Sometimes, the kids will test you and push your boundaries. Be kind, but also be sure they understand your role and that, as an adult, you are ultimately in charge. Progress might be slow, and problems can happen. But stay committed to showing love and support. Don’t forget that these are kids, and they don’t fully comprehend how to have trusting and respectful relationships.

Common Problems

  • Don’t think they want you to replace their dad. You may feel compelled to step into that role, but it’s more about fitting in and supporting the family than trying to take their father’s place.

  • Don’t expect instant acceptance. You may mistakenly believe the kids will trust and respect you immediately. You are the adult, but kids are kids and will learn who you are and your role over time.

  • Don’t believe that you can set all of the rules. Don’t think you can just “lay down the law” like you would if they were your kids. Mom is ultimately in charge, and the quicker you understand this, the better off your relationship will be. But be sure you and your partner are on the same page. You need to be consistent in your words and behaviors.

  • Don’t expect to be friends with the kids right away. Understand that your presence takes away some of their mother’s attention from them. In time, they usually let you in and like having you around.

  • Don’t compete for your partner’s attention. You and the kids are not in a contest to see who is the most important. Respect and understand the bond the kids have with their mother.

  • Don’t ignore communicating with your partner. To fully understand your role, it is important to occasionally check in with your partner regarding your role. Your partner may avoid communicating with you for fear of losing your relationship. Make sure you understand how your partner feels about your role in the family.