Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 ContacT New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching

How to Cope with Relationship Uncertainty

You may be able to relate to having or being in a relationship in which you just aren’t sure that your partner loves you and is committed to the relationship. They say they love you, but their actions sometimes say otherwise. For example, when you’re at a party, you see them in a corner having an intimate conversation with someone they just met. You see them standing too close (in your opinion), and they look and sound flirtatious. Is my partner just being friendly or keeping their options open and looking for what they would consider a “better” relationship? Anxiety comes up, and your feelings of distrust come up!

In marriage counseling, I have worked with couples where one partner seems more committed than the other. I hear the less committed partner, gaslight, dancing around to keep their partner in the relationship while they struggle with having both feet in. Sometimes, this reveals a fear of intimacy or a traumatic relationship past that leads them to push away their partner for fear of getting too close. But, sometimes, the less committed partner stays in the relationship because they cAn’t afford to leave.

Relationship uncertainty brings up anger, confusion, and anxiety. You hope your partner is committed to you, but part of you thinks they aren’t. In relationship therapy, partners sometimes find themselves questioning their future. Working through this uncertainty requires patience, communication, and self-reflection, whether due to externals or life goals. Here are some strategies to help cope with relationship uncertainty.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step in coping with relationship uncertainty is acknowledging your feelings. Many people experience fear and sadness, but they can find hope and love as they move forward. Some people fear being alone. Others fear financial instability, and some don’t want to be away from their children. Being honest about your feelings with yourself and your partner creates a safe space for understanding and the ability to fix the problem. This is a scary step, but recognizing your feelings is crucial for effectively addressing any underlying issues.

Communicate

Effective communication is essential in any relationship, particularly during times of uncertainty. I suggest weekly check-ins. I instruct clients to sit together and address any issues. Take time on Sunday to address feelings, thoughts, and concerns. Create a safe environment. Listen to your therapist, and do not use this time to fight. Learn to listen to your partner and understand what they are saying.

Making positive changes is the ultimate goal of open communication. Practice active listening. This is when you focus on your partner's words without responding. That way, you can hear your partner fully, as you are not sitting trying to figure out how to defend yourself. This openness not only strengthens emotional intimacy but also diminishes misunderstandings and assumptions. Mind reading is a common problem within relationships - thinking you know what your partner wants and is thinking without asking.

Underlying Issues

Take time to identify what is causing the uncertainty in your relationship. What are the unaddressed conflicts that need resolution? Identifying the root causes of your uncertainty is essential in fixing relational problems. Discussing problems openly can lead to solutions and recommitment. Unfortunately, it can also lead to a breakup.

Be Realistic

When experiencing uncertainty, it's easy to develop unrealistic expectations for the relationship. Don’t forget that no relationship is perfect, and everyone struggles. Focus on setting goals and working together to achieve them rather than expecting immediate changes. But, small changes will lead to a strengthened partnership.

Embrace Change

You can’t avoid changes in your relationship. Over time, we all change, and recognizing changes in yourself and your partner is essential. It doesn’t make sense to resist it. Try to embrace the changes that come your way. As crazy as it may sound, we must see uncertainty as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat. Discuss with your partner how you can adapt to change together.

See a Therapist

Seeing a therapist will help you cope if the relationship uncertainty feels overwhelming. A therapist can provide tools and strategies to handle your emotions better. If you do couples therapy, both partners can express their concerns while receiving guidance on improving communication and resolving conflicts. Having a third person to discuss relationship problems with can sometimes lead to breakthroughs that may never have happened otherwise.

Focus on the Present

Do not worry about the future or fixate on the past. Instead, focus on the present moment. Do things that foster a connection with your partner. This could be having a date night, exercising together, or finding a TV series you both like to watch. Concentrating on the here and now can strengthen the relationship and cultivate the sense of joy and connection that’s been missing.

Build Trust and Intimacy

Uncertainty makes trust and intimacy impossible. To rebuild trust, you must both be honest. You must both be open. If you can’t fix these problems, work with a marriage counselor. Reflect on why you got together in the first place. Why did you decide to commit to one another?

Be Committed

If you are not committed to the relationship, nothing will fix it. If you question your commitment, find answers by working with a therapist. If you are fully committed, working together in marriage counseling will help you find what is missing and how to connect.