Arguing

By Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach in Marlton NJ and Voorhees, NJ (856) 352-5428 ContacT New Jersey Therapy and Life Coaching

Kat and Bryson have been working with me for over 6 months. When they first came in, they spent time arguing and disagreeing, blaming each other for the fighting and why they could not get along. I helped redirect them, but they struggled to hear each other, only focusing on what they said. Kat can only be described as a straightforward, loud, opinionated mama bear. Kat can talk.

When KAT tells me about her work as a hair stylist, it sounds like my job minus reflective listening. When you say something she disagrees with, you hear about it. Kyle’s father was in the military. He raised Kyle to be an alpha male. So, when Kat makes her point in her bold, straightforward way, Kyle fights back. He loves to talk, and when he speaks, he is always right. Kat thinks he can be an annoying know-it-all. This combination makes for some loud disagreements.

A Look at Anger and Resentment

Anger and resentment are emotional responses that can arise in any marriage, often stemming from unmet expectations, miscommunications, or past grievances. When left unaddressed, these feelings will erode the foundation of a relationship, leading to loud disagreements. Understanding these emotions and using effective strategies for resolution is essential if you want peace in your relationship.

Acknowledging and understanding your relationship's sources of anger and resentment is essential to fix it. Anger and resentment often occur as a defense mechanism for perceived injustices or unmet emotional needs. You need to listen to one another while not formulating a response to what your partner says. Talk about your feelings. You need to be heard and understood.

When we argue, we often don’t feel heard, and the point of the original conversation is lost. Ask yourself: do I want to argue, or do I want to work on fixing the problem? Expressing emotions can bring underlying issues to the table and lead to change. Practicing active listening during your discussions can significantly increase understanding and empathy, making it easier for the two of you to connect emotionally.

The Tools

A valuable technique for managing anger is the practice of emotional regulation. You can benefit by identifying your triggers—situations or behaviors that bring up anger—and developing strategies to cope with these feelings. For instance, pausing to recognize your emotions before speaking can change everything. Instead of just reacting, you can choose how to behave and what you want to say.

If your anger is coming up, practice deep breathing or do something physical like taking a walk. By learning to dissipate anger, you can prevent outbursts and create a calmer environment for addressing difficult problems.

Cognitive restructuring is an approach to addressing resentment. You may have negative thoughts that fuel your feelings of anger and injustice. I always say that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Why put your energy into an emotional state that leads nowhere? Your resentment only hurts you. Those we resent go about their day while we sit in anger and resentment. What a waste of your emotional energy.

Through cognitive-behavioral techniques, you can identify and challenge your distorted thoughts (I tell people to fight them and replace them with thoughts that lead to positivity. If you change your attitude and perspective, you too can drop your resentment and go about your day.)

For example, reframing your partner's behavior in a more positive light can help reduce resentment through acceptance and forgiveness, ultimately improving your relationship.

Being more empathetic can play a significant role in overcoming anger and resentment. By taking a moment to understand your partner's perspective, you will better understand where they are coming from. Even if you disagree, you will have taken the time to consider their opinion before becoming defensive and angry.

Learning and using conflict resolution skills are also important in treating anger and resentment. You can both benefit from learning how to disagree constructively using things like "I" statements to express feelings without placing blame.

For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," you can say, "I feel you don’t hear me when I share my thoughts with you." This shift in language encourages open communication and reduces defensiveness, making it easier to resolve conflicts.

Getting Help

Working with a therapist can provide you with the tools you need to address anger and resentment effectively. Therapy can offer a safe place to explore your feelings, have constructive conversations, and develop strategies to help find understanding and peace in your relationship.

Your therapist can help you navigate difficult problems, help you to recognize patterns of behavior that contribute to your emotional struggles, and provide tools to help you break your cycle of anger and disagreement.

Healing from anger and resentment in your marriage or relationship requires patience and commitment from you both. It is essential to recognize that change takes time and that you must be willing to participate actively in finding solutions.

Celebrating small successes like avoiding an argument can increase your motivation to change your behaviors and strengthen the relationship. I encourage people to “clean up” their side of the street and start taking responsibility for their behaviors. When you begin to recognize your role in disagreements, you can work to change your behaviors.

Kat and Bryson have successfully changed their relationship by using active listening, changing their perspective, staying open to each other's thoughts and opinions, and using these tools. I am amazed at the changes they have made and how successful they have been at changing their relationship.