Recognize the Positive

Dr. Larry Cohen Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees, NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy and Life Coaching

It seems so easy to focus on the negatives in your relationship - and so hard to inventory the positives. What kind of relationship do you want? Being stuck in the negative, being critical of each other? Or being positive, providing unconditional positive regard and support to each other?

When we take a look at it, the answer seems obvious - if you want to move forward and connect with your partner in a healthy way you need to recognize and be grateful for the positive. After all, you aren’t committed to your partner because you hate them.

What are we looking for when we focus on the positive? Do you trust your partner? Will they be there for you when you most need them? Do they have your best interest in mind? Do they love you? These may be easy or difficult questions to answer. If the answer is no, it sounds like time to work on the relationship if you plan to stay.

Another question: does your partner support you and help you live a happy, successful life? Your relationship should be one of mutual support, helping each other grow - and not trying to change each other to meet your own needs. That’s a big one.

“Why doesn’t he or she do this?” We are all searching for the partner of our dreams. Wake up and realize that your partner is who they are, and not someone you dream about. Accept your parter as they are. If you don’t, you may live a painful life in resentment and anger.

The first issue I discuss with couples when they come in for therapy is whether they are best friends - or friends at all? The most important part of having a successful relationship is friendship (communication is second, not first!).

Friends are people we choose to be in our lives - those people in our inner circle - those who love you, accept you, and support you fully. Your partner needs to be in your inner circle. If they aren’t, it’s time to work on changing your relationship.

providing each other with what is called “unconditional positive regard” is also essential. That is, Accept your partner as they are. if you don’t love and accept your partner for who they are, you will live in disappointment and pain. To learn more, visit Marriage Therapy and Relationship Therapy, and Love and Commitment.

Acceptance often leads to peace of mind and resolves resentments and angry feelings you may harbor. How do you want your life to be? Happy or angry? It may be time to make a choice.