Setting Family Boundaries

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach in Voorhees NJ and Cherry Hill NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy and Life Coaching

Many of us spend the holidays with our families - and no one seems to traverse our boundaries like family members. Although you are an adult, parents can sometimes, or all the time, treat you like the child you once were. Frustration (anger) and embarrassment (shame) may come forth as a result.

Mom telling stories of how difficult you were as a child, or dad shunning you about how you spend money can make you so angry that you may never want to see them again! To be told what to do, what is right and wrong, and what needs to be changed in your life IS OFTEN SO FOREIGN TO YOUR CURRENT LIFE AND SO PAINFUL TO EXPERIENCE that you never want to see them again.

Sometimes, different than setting boundaries with non-family members, mom, dad, and other family members may not respect your boundary setting and push back - family wants us to stay the same as we’ve always been. To accomplish this, they push and push, disrespecting your boundaries, to keep you the way they remember you during childhood. 

If you don’t work any boundaries, you are wide open to absorb both the positive and the negative. Having no boundaries and being wide open can be painful because you are letting not just the positive in, but the negatives such as hurtful criticism. Setting what is called a protective boundary will help you let go of the negatives that come your way.

I suggest visualizing yourself in a wet suit from head to toe, with only one way in, which is a door that only you can open from the inside. When the negative comes see it hit the wet suit and roll off, seeing the words or even the letters of the words fall off onto the floor. When positive comes, open your door to let it in.

the negative may sting, but when you practice protecting yourself, the negative will initially hurt, but when you visualize letting it roll off of the wet suit the intensity of the negative dissipates. Working the protective boundary effectively requires mindfulness, an awareness of what is taking place in the moment. You are no longer wide open now that you know how to protect yourself. To learn more, visit Difficult Parents And In-Laws and Let Go Of Resentments.

when it comes to family, being protective can seem impossible. As your family wants you to be as vulnerable as you’ve always been, they may push and push and push - trying to break your protective boundary. In this case, one must be vigilant and be mindful of setting your protection over and over again.

This situation may require what is called the external boundary. This boundary tells the offending person how you are feeling, and requesting they change their behavior toward you. To help the offender avoid being defensive, we need to share how their words or behavior is affecting you.

The way to set an external boundary can be quick by saying “When you _____ I feel _____ and I would prefer _____. Setting this boundary may or may not help. But, you have said what you needed to say to protect yourself.

Setting an external boundary with family can seem ineffective, as they may ignore any boundary you set. To be protective, you may need to set your boundaries over and over. Be consistent because if you give in just once the offending person learns that they can succeed in getting past your boundaries.

I believe that setting personal boundaries not only protects the person you are today, but also protects the child inside yourself, your “inner child”. Would you allow a child to be unprotected from the negative? Of course not. When you reflect on this reality, you understand why protecting yourself is essential.

Recommended blog posts: Difficult Parents and Inlaws and Defining Personal Values.