Trust in Relationships, Part 1

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapy Voorhees NJ and Life Coaching (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

Distrust and Its Destructive Power

During the day, most of us have our eyes focused on and our noses buried in our smartphoneS OR TABLETS. If we aren't browsing, we are communicating with others. Today’s communication technology is revolutionary, allowing us to call, text, and e-mail anyone with speed and ease.

Here’s a question: have your communication skills improved as a result? One might conclude that all this furious communication would inevitably lead to better communication between people.

In my experience, this question does not have a straightforward answer. The advantages of today’s communications technology are nearly endless. The affordability and ease of communicating with others allow US TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH LOVED ONES MANY TIMES DURING THE DAY, regardless of where they are.

Emotional Relationships

Yet when I work with couples, I hear about the darker side of texting and e-mailing. Its mere existence can cause conflict and lead to distrust within committed relationships. Sometimes, problems arise because of how or how often a couple communicates. Do you call your partner every day? Do you text ‘good morning’? What results if you forget to text one morning?

Problems erupt when one partner discovers that the other has been texting or e-mailing someone else - someone who isn’t them - and someone they perceive as a threat to the relationship.

If any of the quotes below are familiar, read on:

“I checked his cell phone and found text messages from an old girlfriend. Why didn’t you tell me she had been texting you? How long has this been going on? Have you texted her back? Are you covering something up? How can I trust you if I don’t know who you’re texting?”

or

“Her e-mail account was open on the iPad. I took a quick glance at first, but then I couldn’t help but snoop around. I couldn’t believe what I found. Why would she keep old e-mails from her ex-husband? I’m her husband now and she needs to cut her ties with him. How can I trust her if I don’t know who she’s e-mailing? Who else has been contacting you?”

or

“I checked his cell phone and found dozens of text messages from a woman named Nancy. Who the heck is Nancy? He told me she’s just a friend he met at work, but they text each other over a dozen times each day. Some suggestive comments are going back and forth – what am I to make of all of this? Are you having an affair?”

or

“I was on the laptop and checked his browser history. You would not believe what he’s been looking at.”

or

“I was on the laptop and checked his browser history. There was no browser history - it had been erased. What is he doing that he’s hiding from me?”

When I work with couples, one or both partners may confess to phone snooping, e-mail checking, and rapid-fire texting during disagreements (“I’m trying to work, and he continues texting me non-stop, all day. It’s 100% compulsive and out of control. I can’t go on like this.”)

How Can I Trust You?

Why do people do it? Most people snoop because they believe one or two things. 1) “I don’t trust him.” or 2) “I’m afraid of losing her.” driven by 'fear', snoopers snoop hoping to waylay their fears or confirm their suspicions.

But snooping can be dangerous. Upon discovery of possible incriminating evidence, strong emotions can overpower the snooper and cloud their view of reality. Although there isn’t enough evidence in front of them, a snooper’s fear can lead them to jump to conclusions. It is essential to pay attention to the evidence in front of you - on what is real, and not on what might be real.

When you fail to do this, strong emotions can lead you to misinterpret and misunderstand what you find. For example, discovering that your partner recently received a text from an old love may be completely innocent.

The text came in, he ignored it, and he did not respond. When you discover it and read it, fear kicks in and convinces you that a) he is going to leave me for this other person, b) he is starting an affair with or is having an affair with this woman behind my back, or c) he has been communicating with this woman for a long time and has been erasing all the texts between the two of them.

In all 3 of these examples, your snooping has lead you to feel unsafe, fearful, and distrusting. A misinterpretation of what you've uncovered can damage the intimacy and trust you and your partner currently share.

Before jumping to conclusions, consider exactly what has you shaken. Examine the evidence. One text message does not prove any of the above. if you trust your partner, you will likely conclude that it’s just an unsolicited text from a curious or lonely past partner. To avoid conflict, you and your partner can agree to keep each other informed of any incoming texts (or e-mails) that either of you receives from past loves.

Keeping your partner informed of unsolicited communication from an ex can help avoid misunderstandings and senseless arguments. Finding an old stash of e-mails your partner has saved written by her ex does not mean that she is unhappy and coveting a past relationship; perhaps they remind her of her youth, of her past life, and of who she once was. They’re just old e-mails, and your partner might simply be sentimental.

Unfaithfulness

Sometimes our fears are realized, and we discover that our partner has been having an affair, be it emotional or physical. You find yourself at a crossroad and you must decide whether to leave the relationship or to remain together.

Infidelity can be one of the most devastating experiences in a romantic relationship. The betrayal of trust can leave you feeling angry, hurt, and confused. If you are dealing with an unfaithful partner, take some time to process your emotions.

It is natural to feel a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and disbelief, after discovering that your partner has been unfaithful. Take some time to sit with these emotions and allow yourself to feel them. It is important to avoid making any impulsive decisions or taking any drastic actions during this time.

Once you have had a chance to process your emotions, it is important to have an honest and open conversation with your partner about what happened. This conversation may be difficult, but it is essential for rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship.

Ask your partner to be honest with you about what happened and why. Be prepared to listen to what they have to say, but also be firm in your boundaries and expectations for the relationship moving forward.

Deciding to Stay or Go

If you decide to stay with your partner after this it is important to establish clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship. You need to decide on what is and is not acceptable behavior. It is important to be clear and direct in your communication and to hold your partner accountable for their actions.

To rebuild, both partners must commit to sharing the whole truth. The unfaithful partner must come 100% clean, and if you have secrets to tell, now is the time for you to reveal them. Trust cannot re-establish itself until all secrets are revealed.

I always recommend working with a marriage counselor or a couple’s coach during this process. They will provide a clearer understanding of what steps need to be taken to rebuild your relationship, as well as provide support and guidance while you move forward.

Staying with an unfaithful partner has its own problems when it comes to texts, emails, and internet use. You may demand access to all three. However, the problem with monitoring your partner’s communications is that it perpetuates your fear, and never helps to build trust between the two of you.

The continual checking sometimes takes on a life of its own. You end up monitoring your partner in a compulsive way. If this occurs your relationship is not moving forward, trust is not being rebuilt, and you end up living in fear.

It is up to you to decide what is best for you and your relationship. It may take time to rebuild trust and repair the damage caused by infidelity. Rebuilding and regaining trust is possible, but clear communication and a commitment to work through the issues must exists.