How Our Parents and In-Laws Behave

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach in Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

I suspect my parents and in-laws do not read my blog. This gives me some leeway to write about some of the issues my wife and I struggle with when it comes to our parents. Learning how to cope with the difficulties you may have with either your parents or in-laws is essential. Maintaining healthy, close relationships with your parents and your in-laws takes work and being open to change. Creating change will help you avoid disagreements with your spouse regarding parents and their role in your lives.

As uncomfortable as it may sound, dealing with difficult parents and in-laws requires collaborative problem-solving between you and your spouse. This starts with being open to speaking about and listening to your partner about the specific problems that need to be solved. This is not as easy as it sounds. It requires some brainstorming and often compromising regarding parental involvement in your marriage, relationship, and family. This helps to best meet your needs, your spouse's needs, your parents, and your in-laws.

This requires good communication between you and your spouse and then with your parents. Be sure to express your thoughts, emotions, and concerns in a respectful way. Leave behind passive-aggressive and angry confrontational communication. This leads to tension and conflict and will not help you solve your problems. Practice active listening (repeating back what is being said to you by your partner) to be sure you understand what is being shared. Your way of seeing the problem may not be the way your partner sees the problem, so stay open to understanding other perspectives. Arguing about what is a problem and what is not leads nowhere. If your partner tells you about a problem they are having, you must recognize that this is a problem for you both.

Saying No

How good are you at setting boundaries with your parents? Sometimes, I shudder at the thought of saying ‘no’ to my parents. But remember that your spouse and immediate family need to come first. Clearly defining and communicating your boundaries can help establish expectations and limits. This can include telling your parents when you and your spouse are available to spend time with them and not changing your plans to accommodate them. Setting boundaries also includes discussing topics that may have always been off-limits or establishing rules regarding personal space and privacy. Do you leave your door unlocked so that your parents can stop by anytime they please? If so, make sure this is okay with your spouse as well. Setting boundaries with parents can go a long way to enhancing the health of your marriage or relationship.

Professional Help

Sometimes, seeking professional help may be necessary when dealing with difficult parents and in-laws. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support in navigating the complex dynamics that may already exist. A therapist can help you talk about your emotions and what is problematic when it comes to your parents. A marriage counselor or relationship counselor can help you negotiate parental rules and agree on compromises. They can teach you how to act instead of react to problematic situations. You will develop coping strategies as a counselor can offer insights into the underlying issues that contribute to the difficulties. A therapist or marriage counselor can help provide an objective view of the situation and help everyone communicate in a clear and healthy way.

The Importance of Empathy

I recommend empathizing with your parents and in-laws. Trying to understand their perspectives, experiences, and motivations can allow for greater empathy and compassion. It is important to remember that they may have their own struggles and challenges that contribute to the problems. Acknowledging their feelings and letting them know that you understand them can create a more open and understanding relationship, which can help you avoid tension and conflicts.

When you are faced with difficulties your parents and in-laws bring, shift your perspective to one of gratitude. Focus on the positives they bring to you and your family. Acknowledge and appreciate what your parents and in-laws bring to you and your family.

Be Patient

Be patient and remember that change takes a commitment on your part to change how you behave. Your relationship with your parents and in-laws has been one way since you and your spouse committed to each other. Implementing new strategies and approaches consistently will lead to a better relationship with your spouse and your parents. Creating open communication, having boundaries, and, if needed, seeking professional help CONTRIBUTE to a healthier and more positive relationship with difficult parents and in-laws. This process can strengthen your partnership and create a healthier dynamic for you, your spouse, and your extended family. Read Setting Family Boundaries and Self-Care to learn more. Dealing constructively with this problem is essential to bringing greater peace and connection in your relationship.