Choosing a partner

Dr. Larry Cohen Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees, NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

Choosing to be together forever is one of life’s greatest joys. It is LIFE-CHANGING AND is one of the most valuable choices you will make during your lifetime. Yet, it is essential to recognize that this choice - a choice that will change your life forever – is often powerfully influenced by ‘feelings of true love’ and the rapture of sex. Choosing to commit to your partner may have seemed so obvious that you didn’t really realize that you were making a choice at all. You are in love, and you can’t imagine being apart.

Commitment

Commitment vows, the promises made in the very first moments of a union, exist to remind us of the choice we are making. They also remind us of the responsibilities that come along with that choice. You commit - and promise - that you will both love and support each other no matter what.

You have chosen to live with this person forever, to care for them, and to stand by them, no matter what life may bring. By doing this, you have also made another choice. This choice may not have been obvious or even recognized at all:

in committing to each other, you have also chosen to accept each other completely and without condition.  Being committed means that you love and accept each other - always. Annoying habits and selfish acts by your partner don’t excuse you from accepting them for who they are.

You may snore, she may hide chocolate where you can’t find it. Believe me, I have been married for awhile now, and when I look back at our beginnings, I didn’t fully understand that choosing to commit demands choosing to accept. It does, and it is essential. 

Optimism

This is an example of how we sometimes make choices for ourselves without knowing all that there is to know. As humans we tend to be optimistic – we believe that tomorrow will be better than yesterday. Therefore, certain choices we make may look unshakable at the time we make them.

Yet, not having the ability to know what the future may bring, we cannot predict what will happen. That same choice, thought to be correct when we made it, may end up being completely wrong.

As humans, we do our best to make informed choices. But history shows, again and again, that there is no such thing as a sure thing. However, if we commit to our partner and accept them for who they are – not who we wish they would be or become - happiness, and joy can be found. Even when bad choices lead to horrific life problems, the waters do not drown you. Having a relational foundation built of mutual commitment and true acceptance will provide the buoyancy needed to stay afloat.

Every day I work with people as they navigate life’s challenges. Almost every week, my clients and I face and resolve a myriad of life challenges. Often, my clients and I work on sad, painful, and extremely difficult situations. My own life experience has taught me that a few unimaginable challenges may lie ahead.

During these challenging times it is essential that you and your partner stay close, accept difficult situations as they come, and treat each other with kindness and respect. I have seen relationships collapse because each partner turned on the other, each blaming the other for their life difficulties.

We must never turn against each other. There is great power inherent in the commitment we once made to love and accept one another. Turning against each other poisons the relationship. When couples turn against each other, their commitment can collapse, and, as each blames the other, all sense of love vanishes.

Blame?

No one is to blame when challenges arise. One of you may have made a really bad or hurtful choice, but if you are staying together, you must face the bad together and support each other. It’s natural to wonder if you made the right choice to marry who you did, or to marry at all. “Did I spend enough time thinking about whether I could spend the rest of my life with this person?”

This question can never be answered with any certainty. Life is unpredictable and bad things sometimes happen. Regardless of who you may think you should have married instead of your spouse, remember that this person too would likely disappoint you in some way or another. Never forget that we’re all human, and all humans, by design, are imperfect.

This is Us

When my partner and I chose to get married, I thought I had held great wisdom, having worked with so many couples over the length of my career. I thought that our marriage would be continual bliss. I knew what I was doing! I was wrong of course, and a fool at that. My marriage does reveal an essential truth to me, one that defines what choice and commitment are all about: to find happiness, you must accept your partner for who they are.

Accept Your Partner for Who They Are

Our first date was scheduled for brunch at Philadelphia’s wonderful Sabrina’s Café. It was a Sunday morning, and the line to get into the place, like every Sunday, ran down the block. I waited patiently for her. While in line, my phone rang - 15 minutes past our agreed upon meeting time - it was her. “Sorry, I’m running late. I’m driving over the bridge now.”

Okay, I think 15 minutes is within normal parameters. Another 15 minutes pass. I’m still waiting, inching terribly close to the front of the line. Another call: “I’m almost there. See you soon.” Minutes pass, and I’m now at the front of the line. But my date had still not arrived.

I explain this to the hostess, and she was kind enough to seat me alone - at a table right in the middle of the restaurant. I ordered some fruit. And I wait. I see people in line giving me the evil eye, wondering why I’m dawdling with a bowl of fruit when they’re waiting to eat some of Sabrina’s delicious stuffed french toast.

She finally arrives! We smile at each other as she sits down. “Sorry I’m late! Oooooooo! fruit!” Suddenly a forked hand reaches across the table, snatching fruit from my bowl. Suddenly, I felt like I had known her my entire life.

After a few dates we met at her house. I discovered a house cluttered with piles of this and that, and a few dust balls dancing in the corners. But soon, I fell deeply in love. Her cluttered house and dust balls did not matter. This was the most wonderful person I had ever met.

Meant To Be

It didn't take her too long to realize what I had realized on the day we had first met: that our being together was “bashert” - yiddish for “meant to be”. It was then that I stumbled upon a great truth: if I choose to marry this person, I will have to accept everything about her. I realized that if I chose to marry her, I would not have the right to yell if we were late for, well, everything, and I would have to accept her organizationally-challenged nature, and I would have to live my life in an extremely disorganized house. To marry this person - and find happiness - I would need to accept all of who she was and never expect her to be who she was not - ever. And, I would have to live with my choice forever. I suspect she had this same realizations.

The day prior to our wedding, I came home and, stumbling in the dark, discovered that our electricity had been shut off. Although we had plenty of money to pay the electric bill, the bride had forgotten to pay the bill. I suspected that this was not the first time that this had happened. So, I fumbled around - without complaint – and asked “Okay, what do we have to do to get the electricity back on?” She replied, “this is why I’m marrying you. You love me just the way I am.”

Accepting our Choices

We make many choices every day. If they are good ones, be grateful. If they are bad ones, expect a mess, but remember that we all make mistakes. However, we alone make our choices, and we must own what choices we make. Choice equals freedom. When we accept responsibility for our choices, and do our best to choose wisely, we are free to live the life we imagine. When it comes to your relationship, be careful to not make the biggest mistake, one that I see in my office every day: expecting your partner to be who they are not, and blaming them for the choice you made.