Negative Thinking

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapist and Life Coach, Marlton, NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy and Life Coaching

Our thoughts can impact us in two ways. Positive thoughts CONTRIBUTE to self-esteem and an overall sense of well-being. All is right with yourself and with the world.

Negative thoughts lead to low self-worth and over-generalizations about how bad your life is. Which thoughts would you rather have? Most would choose the latter, but being able to have positive thoughts can be difficult.

To be able to work on changing your negative thoughts, you need to be able to recognize when you are having them. As your thoughts lead to your emotions - I say they are really two sides of the same coin - you must learn how to identify your emotions. How in tune with your emotional self are you? Do you pay attention to your emotions?

Are you capable of recognizing your emotions when you are experiencing them? If the answer is ‘no’, then it’s time to work on emotional recognition. author Pia Mellody has identified your eight basic emotions. They are:

1.      anger (resentment, irritation, and frustration)

2.      fear (apprehension, overwhelmed, threatened)

3.      pain (hurt, pity, sad, lonely)

4.      joy (happy, elated, hopeful)

5.      passion (enthusiasm, desire, zest)

6.      love (affection, tenderness, compassion, warmth)

7.      shame (embarrassment, humble, exposed)

8.      guilt (regretful, contrite, remorseful)

If you struggle with emotional recognition, this exercise may help !) keep a list of the eight emotions in your pocket, 2) set the alarm on your phone to go off every half-hour 3) when the alarm rings, go over the list and try to identify how you are feeling at that moment. I’ve done it, and it works.

Emotional Recognition

Once you begin to recognize your emotions, you can move on to recognizing your thoughts. This is being mindful, or self-aware. For example, you can recognize anger by noticing when you feel heat rising in your chest, your face begins to flush, and you experience intense frustration and irritation.

To work on recognizing the thoughts associated with your anger, recognize what thoughts were you having prior to becoming angry. For example, you recognize that your anger was caused by having to wait for over an hour to see your doctor. You had a 3 o’clock appointment, and it’s now 4 o’clock. You feel the anger in your chest as you think “what a jerk. This doctor obviously has no respect for me or my time.”

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that you should never feel anger. I agree with Pia Mellody, who teaches that anger has its gifts, such as assertiveness, strength, and energy. Anger is a problem when it becomes overwhelming or has a negative impact on your life.

Let’s continue with anger as our emotional example as it relates to emotional recognition.   Ask yourself, is your anger helping you to live a life of contentment and happiness, or is your anger detracting from your happiness and peace of mind? Which direction do you want to go in?

If you decide that angry feelings are not adding anything positive to your life and that these feelings lead to negative behavior, (perhaps you yell at your spouse) you must decide to change.

This involves thought recognition and feelings recognition. This allows you to decide how you want to behave, and not just react to feelings that arise. I have used anger as the example, but his applies to all negative emotions – anger, fear, pain, shame, and guilt.

The Role of Perspective

What can you do to change negative thoughts? Cognitive theory teaches us to reframe the problem – to consider all possibilities and to see problems from different perspectives. In the doctor’s office example, think about whether the doctor, by running late, is doing something to you personally? Probably not.

Some doctors run late because some patient’s health problems require more time than the doctor had allowed for. It’s also possible that the doctor forgot to pay his electric bill at home and he was frantically calling the electric company to avoid having the power shut off! When you widen your perspective on the problem, you help yourself avoid negative thinking and negative emotions.

If you reframe and consider your situation from a different perspective, you might not be so angry. An alternate thought might be “I get so frustrated with doctor visits. But, I am here to take care of my health, and having good health is one of the most important things in life.

Although I feel frustrated, I’m taking care of myself.” When you widen your perspective and consider things from a wider perspective, you can avoid or change negative thoughts and emotions.

One of the most important things I’ve learned is that events are neutral. That is, what comes our way is often out of our control. We can react to negative life events with anger or fear, or we can widen our perspective and either lessen or avoid negative thoughts and emotions altogether.

We only have a certain amount of emotional energy each day, and more often than not, our negative thoughts and emotions are ultimately just a waste of our energy. Remember that you determine how life events affect you.

Nobody’s perfect, and you will struggle to accept life on life’s terms. Although sometimes your thoughts may be negative, try to be mindful and self-aware. Change your life by acting and not reacting.

Recognize your emotions, discover the thoughts that lead to the emotions, reframe the thought, change your perspective, and work hard to accept the situation. As a result, you will begin experiencing more positive emotions, and your relationships with others, and your life, will improve.