Trust In Relationships, Part 2

Dr. Larry Cohen, Therapy and Life CoachinG Voorhees NJ (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ Therapy & Life Coaching

How to Grow Your Relationship

Fall in love. Idolize and worship your new lover. See stars and hear bells. How magical things are in the beginning. Cherish and remember this time. Yet, realize that during the first few months of a relationship, we are all on our best behavior.

After a few months reality reveals itself. You learn more about your partner’s attitudes toward the world, toward life, toward commitment, toward trust, and toward you. You begin to see your partner with more clarity – the fog induced by romance begins to clear.

It is now time to take stock – to really squint hard and see your partner as they truly are. Is this ‘your person’? or not. Can you envision future with the person? Can you see spending your life together?

Unconditional Acceptance

Unconditional acceptance means that we accept our partner fully. Unconditional acceptance is the path to deeper emotional intimacy and happiness. If this is really ‘your person’, you need to ask whether you can truly accept them for who they are, and not what you want them to be.

I’m not just talking about the good stuff – the sex, the love notes, and the insightful exchange of gifts – I’m talking about all of it. There are probably characteristics your partner has that you don’t like - that may drive you nuts - but if you are to grow love, you need to learn to accept your partner and love your partner as they are.

But how? You discover piles of unhung cloths scattered all over her house. You discover she’s a bit disorganized - well, no, she’s really a slob. As the relationship becomes more serious, you need to think about whether you can live the rest of your life accepting this.

If you don’t, your future together may be an unhappy one. Remember that to her, to bring her around to neatness relentlessly, to get her to see how wonderful being organized is – like you do - may be impossible.

Trying to change who your partner leads to unhappiness. Don’t have expectations of your partner that they cannot meet. Unhappiness lives in unmet expectations. To be truly happy, you must avoid attempts at making your partner more and more like you. They are their own person, with their own peculiar way of doing things (as are you). Work unconditional acceptance of your partner. Let it be the law.

Trust

For the first few months you have willingly and openly given your heart to him. This is the way of new love. Soon, the question of long-term trust must be examined, as you are doomed to fail without it.

“Can I trust this person? Will they love me and stand with me? Will they be careful and not hurt me?” These tend to be the questions we ask ourselves as our relationship grows. Can you trust this person with your life and happiness? Or, will they lie and cheat? You must take time to find the answers to these questions.

“Should I trust”, and “how do we build trust” become the most important issues. Some of us have been hurt in past relationships and are scared of letting someone else get so close to our heart. Yet without this trust, your relationship does not grow and eventually dies. How do you build trust?

Before you can build trust, you must understand what trust means to you and to your partner. This sounds obvious, but maybe not. He may believe looking at pornography as harmless, while you consider it cheating.

Do you share an understanding of what a trusting relationship is? Do you share its bounds, its rules, and its expectations? Answering these questions are essential, so eventually you must ask them. Be specific so you avoid future misunderstandings and the pain that comes with it.

Communicate clearly when you set your boundaries and explain what your behavioral expectations are in a relationship. Does your understanding and expectations of a committed relationship meet theirs? Honest, open, clear dialogue and discussion leads the way to building trust and growing your relationship.

Ways to Build Trust in Your Relationship

Keep Your Promises

Trust 101 teaches us the importance of keeping the promises we make. Yet, sometimes the small things are forgotten. Don’t forget, some of the small things are really the big things. When you’re running late, call or text. Walk the dog as promised and pay the bills on time.

Make your promises about small stuff as important as your promises about big stuff. Keep your promises, no matter how insignificant you may believe them to be. Being trustworthy has no size.

No Secrets

Keep your personal conversations between the two of you. Do not keep secrets from each other. Instead, keep them for each other. Don’t forget, she might only share certain information with certain people, so keep the secret she shared with you and let her decide who to share it with.

Speak in Person

It is essential that most communication, especially about subjects of great importance, happen face to face. The true meaning of a message can get lost in a text, an email and sometimes even over the phone. Make sure you are both heard and understood by talking face to face.

Earn Trust

Don’t assume trust exists and always be working to earn it. When we stop taking trust for granted and make it a priority, we will be conscious of our actions and the perceptions of those actions to our partner.

Practice Unconditional Acceptance and a Non-Judgmental Attitude

Key: you might not understand why something is important to your partner, but the fact that it is important is all that matters. Before you can trust, you must respect each other and your differences without judgment. Just because you don’t value certain things doesn’t mean you should forget about them.

Be Vulnerable

Be real with your partner. This sometimes means sharing things that you keep hidden. Trust is living your truth and by doing so your partner will be more comfortable living theirs.

Be Supportive

It is essential to be supportive of your partner. Supporting each other is most essential when trust is first forming and growing. No one is perfect, and we learn from our mistakes.

Supporting your partner when they are trying something new or are acting outside of their comfort zone can be very powerful. This shows your partner that they don’t have to be just one way; that you will love and support them even when they make mistakes.

Being supportive of ‘the person’ completely, whether in good times or bad, allows you both to be who you really are. Knowing your partner has your back regardless of our situation goes a long way toward building trust.

Be Forgiving

Holding a resentment toward your partner is poisonous. Trusting doesn’t mean mistakes won’t happen - and when they do, be forgiving. We need to feel confident that we can make mistakes, be imperfect, and fall flat on our face while enveloped in our partners unconditional acceptance of who we are.

Sometimes we hurt our partner emotionally without knowing it. Both of you need to be forgiving and loving regardless. Why? Because there is faith and truth in your bond. The only way to move forward is to forgive, especially those we love the most.

Be United

Disagreeing in public or in front of friends and family never goes over well. If you disagree with your partner, find time to talk later about what is going on. Shaming your partner in front of others is mean, and as a loving, trustworthy partner, you must be vigilant in supporting your partner’s healthy sense of self-worth.

Practice Self-Care

Taking good care of yourself adds to the health of your relationship. We are better people and better in our relationships when we take the time to take care of and work on ourselves. We must grow both as individuals and as couples.

Continuing to Grow

Growing your relationship takes time. Communicating clearly and working daily to connect and build trust is a must. Be true to yourself by being truthful to your partner. Learn about your partner and what they expect of you. Only then can you decide if this person is ‘your person’ - the person you want to stand with and support no matter what comes.

I always tell couples that instead of turning on each other during stressful times, stand together and face the world as one.  To build trust, you must be behaviorally consistent and do what you say you are going to do. Be forgiving and non-judgmental.

Don’t make fun of or criticize your partner when they are not believing or acting as you do. Commit to accepting your partner fully. Love all of who they are – without condition - with arms open and a willing heart.