How Do I Set protective Boundaries?

Dr. Larry Cohen Therapist and Life Coach, Voorhees NJ and Cherry Hill NJ  (856) 352-5428 Contact NJ TheraPy & Life Coaching

Most of us have been verbally attacked by another person. When I am on the receiving end of such an attack, I am overcome by feelings of powerlessness. I believe that nothing I can do (or say) will stop the unhappy, angry offender from attacking me. At first glance, it appears that some people, and sometimes our loved ones, say mean and hurtful things to us without a motive.

I think to myself, “this is just a mean, nasty person. They are just haters!" All too often, indignation, hurt pride, and feelings of powerlessness make us falsely believe that we are destined to be victimized and hurt repeatedly.

I mistake the mean actions of others as a personal affront and a sign of hateful disrespect. This mean person is someone to hate, and I won’t stand for it anymore. The question to ask is: why do I?

The Role of Resentment – A Self-Inflicting Wound

As A RESULT OF BEING HURT BY ANOTHER, YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HOLDING a resentment. You resent how others treat you, and you resent the disrespect they treated you with. You find yourself swallowing your resentments whole.

When you do this, you are trapping this negative energy in your body, and it slowly eats away at you. If this is true, why do you choose to let in the hatred and intolerance of others inside? It just doesn’t make sense.

When you are verbally attacked, remember that taking this inside of you is illogical. The hatred and mean-spirited nature of others don’t actually belong to you. It originated outside of yourself, so it makes no sense for you to let it in and become a part of you.

When you do take in the mean-SPIRITED WORDS OF SOMEONE, you can begin to resent them. You carry around resentful anger because of what the person has said or done. Harboring resentments, at the very least, is a waste of valuable life energy. How much of yourself and your energy are you wasting to keep your resentments alive? How much happiness are you denying yourself by being angry and resentful toward those who have wronged you?

You find yourself lingering in “victimhood.” Holding a resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You don’t know how to change things, and you blame others for hurting you. This is why it is so important to learn to practice protective boundaries. To not be a victim, you need to set “protective boundaries.”

What is a Protective Boundary?

To help us not “take in” the negativity that comes our way - judgment, disrespect, anger - I tell people to practice doing this: Imagine yourself wearing a wet suit, head to toe. Recognize the wet suit as part of yourself. When negativity comes at you, try to see the negative words coming at you.

The words hit your wet suit, and you see the words (or the actual letters of the words), roll down the wet suit and hit the floor. You will likely feel the initial stab of the words, but if you imagine the words rolling off and hitting the floor, you will not take them in, and you will have successfully implemented your protective boundary.

To let in the positive - love, caring, support - imagine a little door up by your face with a handle on the inside that only you can open. Pull the door open to let in the positive. Be careful to not wall yourself off from the world. The wet suit is only there to protect you, not to cut you off from the world around you. I teach this psychological exercise to my clients and I am told that it works. I also use this technique, and it has become an essential part of my life.

Self-Worth

We are often taught that mean people just don’t like themselves and they unload their negative feelings on others. When we look at the evidence, it becomes clear that nasty people choose offending behaviors - that is, they treat others badly through word and/or deed, because they lack a healthy sense of self-worth. They may prey on those who also struggle with low self-worth.

People with low self-worth do this so they feel powerful and not so bad about who they are. This is called being “greater than.” This person acts better than everyone, and uses negativity to put others down. Those of us who get hurt by the words or deeds of others often consider themselves “less than.”

Being less than others is when you feel like a failure, like you don’t fit in, that you can do nothing right. People with a healthy sense of self-worth don’t feel that they are “greater than” or “less than” others. They accept and cherish who they are. To stay true to this level of self-worth, they don’t need to act “greater than” others or “less than” others to feel good about themselves. They already feel good about themselves.

Individuals with a healthy sense of self-worth protect themselves from abuse by setting appropriate boundaries. They stand up for themselves by speaking up. This is using the external boundary. They aren’t effected by people who attack them because they have an appropriate level of self-worth which protects them from verbal abusive.

Those with healthy self-esteem accept themselves for who they are. They believe, at a core level, that they are valuable people. They understand that they make mistakes just like everyone else. Unlike individuals with feelings of low self-worth, they accept their mistakes, and view mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow. To work on creating this, I suggest using an affirmation like “I am not a bad person because I make mistakes. I just make mistakes."

Setting functional boundaries can be taught and learned. Boundaries are an incredible thing. Setting boundaries allows you to put an end to feeling victimized, and gives us the ability to choose our own path. Boundary setting is empowering and can change your life.

When we set boundaries we increase our confidence and sense of self-worth because we are  telling ourselves that we are worth protecting. When we fail to set boundaries, we are telling ourselves that we aren’t worth protecting.

If you believe you aren’t worth protecting, you must recognize the negative impact this has on your sense of self-worth. By protecting yourself, you have acted kindly toward yourself. Taking care of yourself inherently leads to increased feelings of self-worth. When you set the protective boundary, you begin to realize that you are worthy of protection from abuse, which can means one thing: you are a person of value. This, of course, is the truth.