Integrity Defined
When you live your life in adherence to your core values you are living with integrity. Having integrity is almost tangible as people can feel it when they are around you. It is solid ground on which to live. Integrity increases and maintains the depth of your self-worth, solidifies your self-confidence, and provides you with inner strength.
There are life circumstances that are completely out of our control (such as the behavior of others). Regardless of how others around you behave, you must choose to live in accordance with your personal values and interact with life’s uncontrollable forces with integrity. Strength of conviction, belief in yourself, and an unwavering alignment between your values and your actions will provide you the energy needed to successfully stay focused on life goals.
Complete a ‘Values’ Inventory
Taking a ‘values’ inventory seems straight-forward, but it does require a good amount of personal reflection. Sit down and write out a list of your core values and moral beliefs. You may value being kind to others, speaking up when you don’t agree, having a lifelong commitment to your spouse, and not letting others down when they need help. You may value honesty and taking care of your family and other people. These are virtuous values.
During your inventory ask yourself if you have lived in accordance with these values over your lifetime. For example, have you cheated on a partner in the past? Have you been unkind to others? Have you been unreliable when others have asked for help? The ‘values’ inventory is important, and it serves 3 purposes:
1) to concretely identify (in writing) what you value, 2) to identify the times when you fell short of living up to them, and 3) to understand why you fell short and work to correct it.
The purpose of this inventory is not to look for personal perfection. The inventory's purpose is to promote mindfulness and awareness of your inner values. Without awareness, you won’t be able to change your thinking and behaviors. If you are not mindful, the possibility of countering negative core beliefs by living in accordance with your values is extremely difficult.
Oddly, your values inventory may also identify some conflicting values. To live in congruence with one value, it may be difficult to also live by another. Therefore, it is essential to prioritize your values and think hard on the consequences of not being able to live in accordance with one value over another. I always suggest that people trust their instincts, and do what they think is right, even under the most difficult circumstances
Falling Short
Now that your values inventory is complete, you must examine how you’ve fallen short of living in accordance with them. Consider the vast number of bad choices and mistakes we all make over the course of our lifetime. Don’t be overwhelmed. This step focuses on our obvious transgressions.
As painful as it may be, remember past behaviors that may still haunt you. These are the memories that keep you up at night. The purpose of recalling these memories is not to recall past feelings of shame and guilt without an important purpose.
These memories identify your morals and values clearly, as you know that you will never act like that again. What were the morals and values you betrayed in those moments? Add these to your values inventory.
When recalling the memories that bring up feelings of guilt and shame, it is important to know what to do with these emotions. Guilt is feeling badly about something you did, and shame is when you feel badly about who you are. These emotions can be paralyzing, but I see a clear purpose to them.
To learn, and to change in accordance with what you learn. Toxic guilt and shame are when we carry feelings of guilt and shame with us through life. Over time, toxic guilt and shame corrode and poison our insides.
Healthy guilt is when we learn from our bad behavior and recognize that this prevents us from doing these bad things again. We learn from them and we work on shedding the guilt, healing from it, and moving forward in our lives in a healthy way.
Shame is feeling badly about who we are. If we don’t change, we will carry feelings of shame with us. Healthy shame however, is when we recognize what we must change about ourselves, and we take action to make changes. The healthy way of processing feelings of guilt and shame needs to be when we use these emotions to motivate us to make fewer mistakes, and to live true to our personal morals and values.
